Papa is moving out…again.

Two weeks ago, while Vic was in Virginia on work, I took Papa out on a beautiful Sunday morning. I thought it would be nice to get some fresh air and do some ‘fall’ things.

I mapped our route to Scott’s Orchard to pick apples, then on to New London to eat fritto misto dockside, then a planned stop for some ice cream on the way home.

I made sure we left early, to get to the orchard before the crowds. The sky was an amazing cerulean blue, as it gets in October, and the leaves were at their peak. I parked with Papa’s guidance – no control tower engineer could provide more abundant directions on driving than Benny telling me how to drive and park.

He seemed confused as to where the apples were, despite having to walk straight through a long row of apple filled trees on our way to get to the stand to retrieve our picking bags. No worries, I just kept pointing them out. Turns out, they weren’t big enough for him. He was making a point that they were too small.

I walked slowly, explaining the sights as we went. He loved watching the families arriving with kids, commenting on how wonderful the mothers looked with all their children. “Like a hen, with the little baby chicks, so cute”, he commented. By the end of the morning though, the crowds were too much and he hated children…. but i digress.

At the main stand I peeled off two bags from the stack.

“Papa (his name of endearment for me), I only want five apples”, Benny stated.

“Ok, here’s a small bag to put them in.”

“No, papa, but I only want five.”

“Ok, that’s fine. We’ll fill these two bags and then you can pick out five for yourself.”

“Oh, ok.” He seemed satisfied with the solution, and turning to face the field of trees with his signature hands behind his back, he proceeded to move slowly down the path.

The ground was lumpy with divots and ridges, tractor trails from farm workers of the day passed. I held Papa’s elbow lightly, so as not to embarrass him and cause a commotion with his outrage.

“Oh, papa, look at these apples!” he exclaimed. We hit the mother-lode.

“These are so big!” he yelled, like a child.

I began to turn each apple around, so he could inspect it for approval. Once approved, I plucked it and dropped it into his bag with a satisfied smack of his lips, a boyish grin, and a wiggle of his bushy brows. One, two, three, four, five, six…

“No, papa! I only want five apples!”.

“That’s ok, let’s fill this bag first, then the big one, and you can pick five for yourself.”

“No, why, why are you doing this?” His voice rose in crescendo to a slight wail. I cringed.

“Why am I doing what Papa? I understand you want only five, and you can have five, but I’ll use the rest for pies and apple fritters, and things….” His face was cloudy and confused.

“No, I only want five.”

“Ok, ok,….” I removed the sixth offending apple from his child size bag.

Calm again, we continued down the apple path. We discussed the trees, why there were so many, how big was the field- in hectares- who worked the field (we discussed that several times), why we shouldn’t pick the apples up off the ground, even if they still did look good, or maybe only had a few bruises, or some bugs, which could be cut out, and why are there so many bees?

Back at the stand, I splurged for two cider donuts. Papa’s diabetes would have to understand today. It’s tough to be old.

We sat on a picnic bench worn smooth from generations and warmed by the sun. Our companions at our feet were two farm dogs, one missing a front leg. They seemed content to lay around waiting for things to inevitably drop from the growing gaggle of children darting between the benches, trees, and incoming orchard traffic. This made Benny very nervous. He abruptly got up and pronounced we would now leave. Without waiting for me to agree, he walked straight into the entrance lane. I darted after him, leaving our bags on the picnic table, and got to him just before a black Jeep Cherokee did.

“Papa, our apples, come help me carry the bags.” I wheeled him around by his elbow.

With our bags retrieved we got into the car for the next leg of our journey. Lunch. At 11 AM. I determined to drive slow, taking the back roads instead of the highway.

We drove down a beautiful street in New London with water views and grand houses. Papa filled me in on his journalism days, visiting actors for interviews in homes of similar style and elegance. He asked where we were. He asked seven times.

We were the first customers at the seafood restaurant, all outside seating – thank goodness for a beautiful day. I ordered the mixed fried seafood plate, with french fries and coleslaw. Papa sat at a picnic bench, only made perilous by his having to swing his leg over to sit down. I said nothing but hovered to catch his 6’3, 250 pound frame the best I could should he totter or fall.

“Look at the little bird” he exclaimed brightly, tossing a fry, “Oh, he’s so hungry.” He giggled.

We shared the plate of fried seafood, or fritto misto in Italian, Papa relishing every bite, his favorite dish.

“Oh, papa, everything you plan is so good, it’s perfect, I will remember this day forever.”

I didn’t remind him that he probably wouldn’t.

On our way back to the car, Papa stated that he would write about this for the Italian newspaper. “But,” he said “It needs a special twist. I cannot write about the American apple fields…how you say this?”

“Orchards”.

“Orchards, yes, I cannot just write about that. I will write about going for a lovely drive with my beautiful daughter and all the things we saw.”

We traced our road back toward home. Shortly I turned the car into an ice cream shop, all pink and purple, with a big black and white cow on the sign.

“What’s this papa?” his voice filled with excitement.

“I thought we’d get some ice cream.”

“Aghh, now you’re talking kid!” he growled like a 1940’s movie star.

We walked in and I saw that it was frozen yogurt, not ice cream. Uh-oh.

“Do they have, my favorite, pistachio?” he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows. It was serve yourself. He wanted a cone not a cup. The shop owner was very kind and talkative.

“We do,” she said, “It’s white pistachio.”

Oh-boy.

“White pistachio?” he inquired, furrowing his brow. “I never heard of such a thing.”

I grabbed a sample cup “Here, Papa, taste it and if you don’t like it we’ll go somewhere else.”

“Is this ice cream?” he said, reading the sign – FROZEN YOGURT.

The shop owner brought us a waffle cone in a white and red striped paper. I grabbed a serving cup. Quickly moving to another machine I animated “Mmmm, salted caramel, that sounds good, doesn’t it Papa?” I hoped the distraction and brief time would help him forget the yogurt obstacle.

It worked.

“Caramel ice cream, with salt? Why would they do that?”

I filled his cone with pistachio, he swiped it from my hand and sat down immediately at a little cafe table. The shop owner, kept talking to him about her store, New York, her sister. I thought it was charming. Papa ignored the whole thing. He was clearly now in his world. I was a little nervous all the sugar and fried food was too much for his endocrine system, plus we had been out for about 4 hours now.

He sat with his back to us, looking toward the rear of the shop, devouring his treat. When he was done, while the shopkeeper kept talking, he got up, headed toward a door marked employees only and tried to enter.

“No, Papa, not there. Do you need the bathroom?”

“Huh?” he grunted as if woken from a daze, “No, no, the car.”

I turned him toward the front door. “Good bye” he shouted, lifting his hand as he strode out the open door into the parking lot. I quickly said goodbye to the sweet shop owner, with a smirk and eye lift, and joined him at the car.

On the ride home we listened to the Frank Sinatra station on XM radio.

“Papa,” he said, “remember when your sister said, Bobby Darin would be more famous than Sinatra? And god dammit, she was right! Remember, we were in the room with your mother, she asked who is this Bobby Darin? Your sister loved him.”

We rode in silence for a few minutes.

Then he spoke softly. “Oh, papa, not your sister… your aunt. Why would I say your sister? Your aunt loved Bobby Darin. Is she still around, your aunt?”

“Yes, papa, remember you saw her a little while ago at the house.”

“I did? Oh.”

It had been a long day.

But now, two weeks later, Papa proclaims he’s moving out. Again. This will be the sixth time he has made this announcement. Some minor, or major, or dream inspired grievance in his mind, that I or Vic, or someone has put upon him. Unremembered, fabricated, or long standing from his younger days. Who knows. But he’s going. On the first. Or the second. Whenever he can find a place, he states regally. And he won’t be joining us for the seven pm meal as he calls it, he is refraining from that as well. He made his caregiver take him to Stop and Shop to buy dinner…hot potato wedges and a bag of chips. He made her store them in the car. She snuck out later to retrieve the potato wedges and place them in the fridge, out of fear he would food poison himself.

It will be a long week.

Sometimes

Sometimes I have to remember that Papa is not well mentally
Sometimes I have to ask myself to make a choice- give in or get mad
Sometimes I have to suppress being angry. Like when he becomes petulant about wanting something. And then becomes obsessed with wanting it. And then becomes outright indignant about getting it.
Sometimes I have to admit that I feel resentful.
Sometimes I feel stubborn and defiant myself, about not letting him ‘win’.
Sometimes I have to remind myself he’s not trying to win- he’s just trying to survive.
Sometimes I remember that he is like a child.
Sometimes he is sad.
Sometimes my heart breaks for him.
Sometimes – I let go.

Like a child

It is 6PM and Papa is in a great mood! He is dressed, he’s been showered by the home health aide – which he described as the most humiliating moment of his life (of which I can’t believe) – and he’s shaved without nicking himself (with the aides help).

He lumbers slowly down the stairs, humming some old show tune…moon river?

“Papa!” he calls out to me. “Oopla, this cat, he goes crazy.” The cat races by his feet, by inches. “Eh, what’s going on?”

He makes his way to the kitchen, where I am cooking dinner. “Papa, this is a fantastic smell”. He closes his eyes and breathes in with extra aplomb. He smiles.

Without waiting for my response on anything, he chatters on for the next ten minutes. He covers the subject of grocery shopping, farming, Italian olive oil, winning the lottery, Vic’s barbecue, my daughter (the girl), young love, and winning the lottery. Winning the lottery is the glue of his thoughts.

“Papa, we will have a touch of, eh, you know…” He smirks and wiggles his eyebrows.

“You want some wine?” I move to pour us all a glass.

Papa comments on Vic outside at the grill. He comments on the birds at the feeder and the dogs begging for food at his feet. He comments on the grass and what I looked like last week mowing it on the John Deere. He’s never seen anything like it he claims, and laughs.

He makes his way to the French door to the back porch, he opens it and pokes his head out “Victor, you’re not burning it, are you?” He lingers with the door ajar.

“Papa, watch the cats” I remind him.

“Eh, what? Oh, yes, yes.” He closes the door, not fully latched and walks to the front door. I leave the boiling rice to close the french door more fully.

I hear the front door open. “Ah, what a beautiful evening. I love this time of day, no sun, but still warm air. It’s lovely.” I wait a few seconds, to see if he’ll close that door before we lose an animal out it. Nothing.

“Papa, do you want to sit outside?” I inquire.

“Yes? Oh, ok.”

I turn down the flame on the stove to help him outside, set up the cushions on the chair, get him settled. I return to cooking.

No less than two minutes later the door from the garage opens and Papa is back inside.

“Was it not good outside?”

“What? No, no it was nice, but it was too humid. The dampness…I don’t want to catch a cold.”

He wanders to the cabinet that is ajar. “Hmmm, these are nice.” He has a bag of chocolate covered raisins in his hand. A bag of candy I missed, when clean sweeping the house. Three nights ago, I had awoken to the sound of Papa downstairs. I called out, “Everything ok?”. He assured me he just needed a glass of water. The next morning I found a trail of white chocolate chips from the cabinet, across the kitchen floor, onto the rug near the steps. Papa was sneaking candy. Or anything sweet that passed as candy. At 2am. Papa has diabetes.

The next morning, I took a large grocery bag and threw everything I could find that had any sugar in it into the bag and hid it in basement near the pantry. I missed the chocolate raisins.

“You can’t have those, you know that.” I smile.

“Oh, why, papa?” He looks disappointed.

“Because you have diabetes.”

“Oh, really?” I’d think it funny, if he truly wasn’t surprised.

“Yes, and sugar makes it worse.”

“What a crazy thing papa, that an old man loses the ability to enjoy life.”

He heads toward the stairs. I call out and remind him I am cooking dinner. “Oh, ok. We eat soon?”

Like a child, he is everywhere, into everything, unfocused, talking nonstop. He is a distraction a minute. I bless the days his companion is here to contain him in some activity. I also bless the days he is happy.

Sergeant at Arms

“I’m directing a freaking army here!”

I am speaking with my aunt, while I wave a nurse through the front door. Ever since Papa’s fall, the VNA, the Agency on Aging, and the myriad other organizations who claim to be there to help us with Papa’s care have really stepped up their game. My humble home suddenly resembled Downton Abbey. The cast of characters amuses and entertains Papa. But they were hard to come by.

After the fall and the ride and visit to the clinic, Papa goes up to his room, with help from me, and stays there for the next two days.

On day three, I call one of the agencies that have been visiting over the last few months, collecting information on my father. I explain the situation- the fall, the dementia, the leg, the pain. I ask for help. I am transferred to the supervisor, Beth. Beth asks me to hold, returns and states that if Papa is in that much pain we should go back to the clinic.

On day four, Vic tells me that he got through to the Agency on Aging and that Papa has a companion who will start on Monday, at 9am. She will be with us daily for four hours.

On the fifth day, Vic leaves for travel on another contract. I’m navigating this alone – at least until tomorrow.

On the sixth day, the companion doesn’t show up. I think she’ll come tomorrow

On the seventh day the companion doesn’t show up. I call the VNA. No companion listed there. I call the Agency on Aging. Wrong town. I call the other Agency on Aging. I hit the right one.

“I’m sorry,” the woman with a heavy accent says “Did no one call you on Monday?” She tells me the companion has been ill, but will absolutely start on Wednesday. Her name is Norma.

The woman at the Agency on Aging calls me back and tells me, no, its not Norma, its Louidalyce – but call her Nana.  She’ll be there tomorrow.

Nana. I like the name already, its so – comforting.

I go upstairs. Papa refuses to get out of his chair.  “My leg”, he moans.

I lift the blanket from his legs. The angry looking hematoma stares back at me. Something fluid and jelly like undulates beneath it’s thin surface. The area around it is flaming red.

I call Dr Thomas, who is out until tomorrow, and book a 2pm visit with her then.  Hanging up I stare at the wall.

I should be working. I should be writing one of the four past due reports for my clients, or finalizing the P&L’s for our quarter of a million dollars in financing, or doing laundry. But I’m exhausted.

And then the phone rings.  Papa loves to answer it on the extension in his room. He enjoys talking with the telemarketers.  But of course, he can’t answer it now, he is anchored to his chair.

The answering machine picks up and I hear the voice of Marcia, a VNA nurse.  Her voice moves me to action, I’m up and at the handset before she finishes her sentence.

“Marcia?!”

I realize I sound like a lunatic, desperate and mad. And of course, I am.

“Marcia, I’m SO glad its you!”

Marcia seems startled into silence. One beat, two beat, and then a tentative “Hi…”

I find some composure.

“Marcia, hello, I’m happy you called.”

“Hi, I’m calling about my visit with your Dad. I’m scheduled to come out twice per month for vitals and blood sugar, and I’d like to come out on Wednesday.”

“Oh, Marcia, Papa fell down the stairs, at first I didn’t think it was bad, but then he threw up, so I called 911…”   I tell Marcia the whole sordid tale. She is rightfully appalled that not one VNA nurse has visited since the accident seven days ago. I confess to her that maybe I was not clear when I called them last week, and she admits that might be, but this is not how they operate and she is apologetic. She says she’ll see me tomorrow.

Marcia is coming! I’m as excited as a 15 year old on prom night.

At 10 the next morning, Nana arrives. She is as positive and nurturing as Mary Poppins, and cute as well. Papa loves her. I love her. What is not to love?

At 11:30, Marcia walks through the door. Efficient, assured and with a bag of tricks, she assesses Papas leg and declares that our visit to Dr. Thomas this afternoon is critical. She directs me to call her after the appointment and that she will be back out on Friday. She has also ordered a home health aide three times per week to get him in and out of the shower, and a physical therapist to assess his gait and help him heal.

I love Marcia. I love Nana. I even love Papa.

 

 

 

 

 

Tethered – Part 2

How many people are qualified for really, life scary emergencies? How many people know when it’s the right time to push the button, call 911, cry out for help?

I think like most people, that moment for me is only clear in hindsight.

When I got back from errands, having left Papa alone for forty minutes, I found him seated with his leg up…and a garish, large, black purple hematoma growing on his shin. Twice the size of an overripe plum, and just as black.

“Ok, we have to get you to Dr Thomas!”

I place the call to her office, can I come right in?, they ask.

“Papa, let’s get your shoes on, we are going to see Dr. Thomas.”

“Oh, right now? Why, papa, my ribs hurt, I can’t move.”

“Your ribs hurt too? Can you breathe ok?”

“Well, yes, but every now and then a sharp pain.”

As if on cue, he starts and cries out, reaching for his right side.

I get his shoes on, then get him standing. He is a bit shaky. We head out into the hallway toward the stairs.

Each step down causes some pain. At the bottom, he is ashen faced, sweating.

“Papa, I feel sick….”

I wheel him toward the kitchen sink, where he proceeds to vomit for two minutes.

I call 911.

“Hi, this isn’t a lights and siren emergency…” I explain the situation to the dispatcher. He oddly keeps telling me to calm down, while I am remarkably calm and speaking slowly. I realize he is reading from a script. I play along.

Within four minutes a police officer is at our door. I have Papa in an easy chair in our kitchen.

Over the next thirty minutes our kitchen fills up with three more officers, two paramedics and three ambulance attendants. Lots of bags and equipment and a gurney too big for the back porch. So out the front door Papa goes. Neck brace, heart monitor, IV.  Bumping and jostling along the stone path.

Talking and telling jokes the whole way.

I follow along in my car, register him at the emergency clinic front desk and then I am escorted to the back. With my cell phones last battery juice, I call my mother to cancel the DC hotel for the night and text my Manhattan client to cancel our meeting.

The clinic medical staff care for Papa, who is now growing irritated. No more Mr. Entertainer. He is mad about the wait, the bed, the neck brace. He’s done.

A physicians assistant comes into his room, tells him he doesn’t need X-rays, tells him to keep the leg elevated and to see Dr. Thomas in a week. Call if it gets infected. She leaves.

Papa, glaring after her, swears in Italian.

Then two orderlies arrive to take him to X-ray. Confusion ensues about yes or no on the X-rays. In the end they whisk him off to X-ray his shin only, no rib X-rays required.

He arrives back in time for the main nurse to give him discharge orders. Papa has to pee. She directs him to put his pants on. He whines that he can’t walk. I draw the curtain to step outside and give him privacy.

“Where is my daughter going?! Why is she running away?!?” His voice echoes loud in the almost empty cavernous clinic bay. He is in a panic, crying down the hallway, shouting out my name.

The nurse tries to calm him. He is having none of it.

“Mr. Manocchia, please, just have a seat there and put your pants on. Your daughter is right outside. We’ll walk to the bathroom.” Part of a nurses training must be in voice modulation. I’m in awe of how tempered hers is right now, in the face of this screaming maniac.

“I’m falling!” He yells, “I’m FAAAALLING!!!”

The nurse croons “You’re not falling, you’re fine. When you say you’re falling it makes us nervous. But I’m watching you and you are fine.”

In the end, Papa is wheeled to the bathroom in a chair, and then out to my car, which I have brought around to the front.

Mr. Charming has returned.

“You nurses are remarkable, truly. Thank you. My daughter is remarkable as well. Such a hard worker.”

I turn on the radio and drive us home.

Tethered-Part 1

I heard the absence of sound first. Then a tremendous crash.

Tuesday, a sunny spring morning. Papa takes the bus to his favorite place- Stop and Shop.

Peace, quiet, a few hours of undisturbed work to be accomplished in my office.

Noon. I hear the bus backing up the long gravel drive. It’s electronic warning beeping loudly, competing with the robins chirping. I here Papa enter through the garage into the mudroom. Then Papa is in the kitchen, bags on the counter, and then he is at the stairs.  One step, two step…his heavy feet rhythmically beating out each elevation.

And then…nothing. Three seconds of silence.

In that nano time frame my mind thinks “Stopped walking for what? Turned around, forgot something? Falling?”

And then the unending crash, the disturbed universe of chaos and confusion, of pain and fear. Bang, bang, bang. Silence.

I rush to the top of the stairs to look down on the crumpled frame of my 6’3, 250 pound father.

A moan, a quiver. He lifts his head and with child eyes looks up at me. “Papa, what happened?” He whines up to me. I rush down the stairs, keep him still. “Move your fingers, your toes. Does that hurt?” I flutter over him, finding the pieces that might be broken.

No. So far so good. “Ok, stay still. How about your arms, does that hurt? Your legs, can you straighten them out? Does your hip hurt?” Taking inventory of every frail piece on his 80 yr old body, which survived a direct hit from an American bomb in Italy in 1943.

He sits up, resting his back against the wall. I realize he was inches from hitting his neck against the windowsill at the base of the stairs. I check his head. No bruise. But a good one growing on his hand.

“Stay here, ” I direct him, and go for a bag of frozen peas and a kitchen towel. He holds the peas against his bruised left hand.

“Papa, what have I done? I was so sick from that stupid bus, he drove everywhere, Clinton, Madison. The swaying made me nauseous first time in my life!”

I rotate his shoulder, no pain.

“I was angry, and then between the stomach sick and my temper, I felt my foot rock back and I grabbed the rail. But it was not there.” A bottle of ACT lays on the last step, cracked, it’s blue liquid oozing into the oriental runner.

“Papa, what hurts?”

“No, nothing papa, maybe this hand a little bit. Oh, God, why am I still here?” He starts to whimper, holds his frail hand over his eyes. The skin is crepe paper thin, his fingers knobby and blue veined. I stroke his thick hair, as I look for knots from the fall. Nothing. No head injury. One in our favor.

“Papa, can I help you get up? Let’s get you up and into your room.” He positions his back against the bottom stair. I squat behind him, arms under his armpits.

“Ok, on the count of three, I’m going to lift and you lift with your arms. Let’s get you seated on the second step. One, two, three….”

Success. Checking for pain. Nothing yet.

“Let’s do another step and then there will be leverage for you to stand, one, two, three…” And he is up, wobbly, holding me and the rail. I guide him upstairs, settle him into his chair, turn on the television.

“Papa, you need to eat, I think you haven’t eaten since last night. And when did you take your blood sugar last?” I already know the answer. A new glucometer came four weeks ago, with no test strips. And he didn’t order any, because of the expense.

I make him a sandwich, chips and some diet ginger ale. He eats. Still no real pain. My day is closing in on me. 12:30, I need to leave for my Manhattan client meeting at 3pm, then on to a three day trip to DC for a board meeting. Vic is due home from Calgary at 10pm tonight. Can I leave Papa alone for… 7 hours? These are the questions of my days.

“I have to run to the bank and post office, Papa, I’ll be right back.” He seems fine.

My errands take me less time than imagined, maybe it’s the adrenaline. I climb the stairs to his room.

“Papa,” he calls out to me “Papa, come look at this…”

Man of the house

Papa feels always conflicted, always less than a man, given his circumstances. He grew up in a different culture, in a different time. The evolving role of women, the changed family dynamics, were lost on him. Being single for most of his life, and isolated to his cultural network of Italian men, he never had to adapt for any great part.

And now, he lives with us. In a family that has perfected the art of modern living. A wife and mother who runs her own business and has authority to pay bills, drive to Washington DC-alone! – and can buy a car without her husbands signature. And a husband and father who gets push back from his kids, washes clothes, and takes responsibility for caring for the families menagerie of pets.

And these kids. One in L.A. (So far away, will he never come home?), one in Brooklyn and a daughter who lives home, but doesn’t have an obligation to care for the home and can come and go as if she were her own person…..

These things are just a few of the things that confuse and confound Papa. “I don’t understand”, he says often.

And so he writes his own narrative, fabricating wildly to place all that is in disarray into proper context for his life.

“Papa, Victor shared with me, while you were gone, that he did not like you leaving without doing the laundry.”

“My Victor?”  I ask, looking to see my fathers reaction to my questioning his statement.

“Yes, papa, I would not make these things up. Sometimes a man cannot say what he wants because, you know, you women can have great emotion, and, well, we don’t always want to hear that.”

“Oh, I see. Well, I’ll apologize to him when he gets back.”

“No, papa, don’t say anything, he will be embarrassed that I mentioned it.”

When Vic travels for contract work, Papa always assumes a self directed role of “man of the house “, taking on all of Victors ‘duties’, as Papa calls them.  It pleases him, but stresses me.  He is up at the crack of dawn to feed the animals- cats, dogs and birds alike. But invariably he puts cat food in the dog dish and dog food in the cat dish or some combination therein. And kitty litter in the bird feeder. Then he starts the tea kettle for coffee, but only fills it half way or less, in spite of instructions to fill it to overflowing so he knows it’s full. And then he tries to walk the dogs, who just wander around in circles, confused as to who and why this person has them out at all. Then they come in and pee on the furniture.

After the feeding he makes the coffee, and leaves the burners on. Then he brings the recyclables to the garage, where he hides them so they cannot be found until we clean on the weekend. He brings the compost bag to the compost pile, but never in a straight line, wandering our small yard looking for it for well over five minutes. Each and every day.

It’s quite the morning. But he feels in charge. The man of the house. And so it is worth it.

After cleaning this all up, I will usually remind Papa that I have a work day and ask him to put on his Life Guardian tool. It clips on his belt and detects falls, as well as acts as a LoJack if he were to wander off.  He always asks what it is. We go through the instructions each time and press the button. The attendant on the other end is kind and patient.  I love her. I don’t know if she realizes this.

Papa is a busy man when Vic is gone. I am a busy woman when Vic is gone. I don’t know who is more relieved when Victor comes home- me or Papa.

Please sir, may I have another?

Our meal menu’s can be monotonous with Papa. Not for him, but for the rest of the family.

“The wonderful smell lures me down the stairs.” He enters the kitchen, with a swish of his heels. He’s happy.

“What is that?” He points to a cast iron pan of sautéed greens.

“Broccoli Rabe.”

I give my pot of arborio rice a stir.

“Broccoli Rabe? Really?” His voice lilts up at the end. “Oh, papa, I love that. It’s been so long since I’ve had that!”

He had it yesterday. And two days before that.

“That’s good, then you’ll enjoy dinner tonight.”

I smile.

24

Ensanguining the skies
How heavily it dies
Into the west away;
Past touch and sight and sound
Not further to be found,
How hopeless under ground
Falls the remorseful day.
― A.E. Housman, A Shropshire Lad

 

I have to remember that evenings are more difficult for Papa than any other time of day – except early mornings. And for a man that rarely sleeps and when he does it’s in an easy chair upright and not in a bed, night and morning have very little delineation.

But this particular Sunday I had come home from an outing alone – a rare occasion – to find Papa and Victor enjoying the unseasonably warm late afternoon sitting out on the back lawn in patio chairs. I joined them with a glass of wine. We were finishing a lively conversation, hearing stories of the many celebrities Papa had met along his career as a journalist for Hachette Rusconi media. As the sun was just balancing above the pine trees I mentioned I had to run to Stop and Shop for a quick second. Papa’s eyes lit up. The grocery store was like Disney World to him. A cavernous array of interesting colors, food, and people. I missed the window of opportunity to avert my eyes and move quickly toward the garage. Too late, our eyes connected and his eyebrows wiggled up into his brow comically.

“Hmmm” he hummed melodically.

I laughed. “Want to come along?” I asked rhetorically.

“Oh yes!” He jumped from his seat in a motion uncharacteristic for an 80 yr old man.

On the drive down, Papa continued to share memories of celebrity interactions from his vast history.

I never even thought of the time.

One the second aisle of our trek through Stop and Shop heaven, Papa picked up a can of something – I can’t even remember what it was- and held it up like a fine specimen in front of his cataract clouded eyes.

“Ah, I’ve had this when I was in Samantha.”

I stopped pushing the cart.

Papa stood frozen, holding the can in the air where his eyes had been. But now he was looking at me in a dazed panic.

Make him laugh, I thought.

I smiled widely “Papa, who is Samantha and why were you eating food while you were in her?”

His brow furrowed “Papa, why would I say Samantha. Where did I live before this?” He chuckled.

“Meriden, Papa. You lived in Meriden.”

“Ah so. Yes. Meriden. Why Samantha?”

“I don’t know, Papa, maybe an old girlfriend.”

When we arrived home, I mentioned dinner in an hour. Papa went up to his room. I went up an hour later to let him know dinner was ready. He looked up from his movie, surprised to see me.

“Papa, why are you still here? Don’t you need to go home to cook for your husband?”

The sun had fully set.